Is your head spinning because of recent developments regarding returning to school? What was a celebratory and exciting thought just a few short weeks ago has shifted. What can we do to help our kids?

Teens are an elusive species, they can be so hard to read and to support! To be sure, there is most likely some anxiety and grief bubbling underneath the surface. Most well intended parents want to help, but instead realize that they are making things worse or turning their kids away from them. Here are Do’s and Don’ts to help you navigate:

• Do: Ask open ended questions to open the door for more meaningful conversation. “I’d love to hear what you are thinking about x, y or z”. “Tell me about your new classes.” “Tell me about your table at lunch.” Don’t: Ask closed ended questions like “Are you excited/ready for school to start?” Do: Be curious about their lives. As much as it may seem they don’t want to talk to us, most kids really long for you to be interested in their lives.

• Do: Notice their emotions, name them, validate them and then allow them space to move through. Adolescents are still working on developing emotional intelligence and really need some guidance. Our emotions are all real and valid to us. If we don’t give them space to exist, they get stuck and we start to marinate. Don’t: tell your child to “just not stress out;” it leaves them feeling ashamed for their stress, judged, alone and they will not come to us the next time. Do: say: “I’m so glad you told me, it is hard isn’t it?” This allows them to identify their anxiety, justify it’s existence and then they can start to look for ways to manage it. Just stuffing it results in stomach aches, headachces, tense muscles, sleep problems, focus problems. Don’t: take it on yourself to fix their emotions. It’s not possible and you will get frustrated with them for not “complying.” Our emotions can be an important internal compass with which we can learn to notice and utilize. Emotions aren’t for fixing, they are for listening. Do: be compassionate with yourself, it’s so very hard to watch our kids struggle and keep ourselves from coming to the rescue.

• Do: Be aware that anxiety and grief in teens looks like: contempt(eye rolls, snarkiness, sarcasm), indecisiveness, lack of motivation, procrastination, moodiness, anger, silence, withdrawal, falling grades. Help them understand that while emotions are valid, we also need to be aware of how our reactions to our emotions can hurt others. Do: Teach accountability. Don’t: punish before teaching them how. This is a teachable opportunity, just ride the fine line of teaching vs lecturing. Do: Make sure your teen feels listened to consistently, (tune in often, even over seemingly small items) this provides fertile opportunity to do this teaching. If they feel lectured, this could be a sign that we aren’t working on other parts of our relationship with them.

• Do: Look for opportunities for giving them agency and choice-a feeling of control in this crazy landscape. This can be done in small ways: clothing, timing of chores/homeowork, decision making on things that are their problems (not ours). Don’t: micromanage everything. Do: Pick your battles on necessary items.

• Do: Before weighing in on any issue they face, determine whose problem it really is, (theirs or yours) and if it’s theirs, let the world’s natural consequences hit. This is the best teacher for future responsibility.

• Do: Model good self care in the face of societal stress-nutrition, exercise, limiting news tickers, compassion for others, healthy self talk.

• If they are returning to school for the first time in a while, Do: take it easy. Small steps, ease into the transition. Don’t: make elaborate plans right after school or in the first few weekends after school starts, they will most likely need to come home, decompress and collapse.

• Do: Speak to them in terms of a growth mindset vs fixed mindset. Growth mindset: “I saw how you managed your anxiety last week and was really impressed with how you’ve improved, you’ve come a long way.” Fixed mindset: “You are always so negative about school.” “Why are you always so stressed?”

We’d love to help you navigate your relationship with your teen! We offer individual counseling for adolescents or parents, family counseling and group therapy for teens(coming soon), Contact us today!