4 Myths That Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life (Part 1)

“When we first got together, we used to have sex every day, sometimes even multiple times a day. But now I’m lucky if we have sex once a month, if that! Is there something wrong with us or my partner? Is our relationship doomed?”

In my work with couples, I often hear concerns related to decreased frequency of sex, decreased intimacy, or other sexual-related issues. Most often, I also hear underlying fears related to the question “Am I normal?” or “Are these issues normal for couples to experience?”

My short answer: YES!

My long answer: I hear underlying assumptions and expectations about sex that are driven by common myths that most people believe to be true. Whether perpetrated by popular culture, upbringing, or even Hollywood expectations, these assumptions and expectations could be harming your relationship with sex. Let’s review the most common ones and finally put them to rest.

Myth #1: Sex is a drive.

I work with couples who lodge a common concern – “I think there’s something wrong with my sex drive or my partner’s sex drive.” It’s usually coupled with additional concerns that sound something like, “It seems like I want sex more often than my partner does.” or “My partner seems to always initiate sex when I’m totally not in the mood.” or even “We never have sex anymore.” Often, couples also report additional stressors that seem to negatively impact sex drive – kids, job stress, energy levels, or body changes like menopause or erection changes (Fraser, 2020).

However, sex is not a drive.

Dr. Emily Nagoski, sex educator and researcher, defines a biological drive as “a motivational system to deal with life-or-death issues, like hunger or being too cold. When it comes to sex, there just isn’t any physical evidence of a drive mechanism” (DePaulo, 2015). This means that sex is not like hunger or thirst. If you don’t eat, you die. If you don’t drink water, you die. However, if you don’t have sex, you will not die. This belief that having a sex drive and believing it’s somehow “broken” could be damaging your relationship with sex.

The “falling in love” feeling we get at the beginning of a relationship creates what experts label spontaneous desire. Chemicals in our brain are driving an urgent hunger to be touched, kissed, and to have sex in the process of spontaneous desire. A simple brush on the neck, kiss on the lips, or even a sexy thought leads to immediate sexual arousal. Spontaneous desire might feel like a drive but is actually just a temporary state of emotional and physical excitement.

Sometimes, spontaneous desire might hit us over the head in the form of an unexpected thought or desire—“Oh! I just thought about how sexy my partner is” which immediately ignites sexual desire. However, over time, it is normal and natural for a couple to experience a decrease in spontaneous desire and not experience those random bursts of sexual desire. But don’t fret! Spontaneous desire is not a necessity for sexual pleasure, which leads us to our next myth.

Myth #2: Something is wrong with me or my relationship if I don’t want to have sex all the time.

It is important to note that Dr. Nagoski states that 75% of men experience spontaneous desire and 15% of women experience spontaneous desire. That means that 25% of men and 85% of women experience are not experiencing spontaneous desire. But remember, spontaneous desire naturally decreases over time (which means you’re very normal if you aren’t experiencing spontaneous desire). Spontaneous desire is also not a necessity for sexual pleasure, which leads me to busting our second myth about sex…

Nothing is wrong with you or your relationship is you don’t want to have sex all the time.

It simply means that your desire is cultivated in one or both of these ways: responsive or contextual, meaning that you need to expand your toolbox of things that turn you on (Aristone, 2018).

Responsive desire is defined as sexual desire arising in response to certain circumstances or stimuli (Nagoski, 2021). This means that sexual desire is aroused after some sort of sexual initiation and stimulation, such as your partner kissing your neck, giving you a massage, or playing sexy music.

Contextual desire is the idea that “circumstances and environment impact the ability to experience sexual desire” (Aristone, 2018). This means that other external factors like your kids being in the other room, the stress you’re bringing home from work, a new baby, or even a huge meal can impact sexual desire. If you or your partner have other things on their mind, then sex will most likely take a backseat.

Couples can have open and honest conversations regarding what specific sexual circumstances and stimulation (responsive desire) you need for sexual desire along with the current that could impact sexual desire (contextual desire). It can be freeing for couples to understand that desire can be cultivated in a multitude of ways and explore how each partner experiences desire. The conversation can normalize how each partner experiences desire without the fear of being judged as sexually broken, flawed, or inadequate. It can pave the way for a fulfilling, rich, and passionate sex life.

Myths That Could Be Ruining your Sex Life Part II

If you would like to reconnect with your partner and explore these issues I would be honored to help! I can be contacted here.

References

Aristone, C. (2018, February 6). When The Urge is Uneven: Understanding the Universe of Sexual Desire. GoodTherapy. Retrieved February 3, 2022, from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/when-urge-is-uneven-understanding-universe-of-sexual-desire-0206185

DePaulo, B. (2015, April 29). Sex Drive? There's No Such Thing. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 3, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201504/sex-drive-theres-no-such-thing

Fraser, C. (2020, October 5). The Top Myths about Lust and Love and How They can Ruin your Sex Life (Part One). The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 3, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-top-myths-about-lust-and-love-and-how-they-can-ruin-your-sex-life-part-one/

Nagoski, E. (Ed.). (2021). Come As You Are. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.