Trust, The Marble Jar and Relationship Science
/“How do you build trust?” And what does it have to do with a jar of marbles?
Trust is foundational in relationships, without it, we are roommates at best, enemies at worst. The true emotional connection and vulnerability necessary for strong, deep, meaningful relationships doesn’t happen by accident or in a vacuum. Connection only grows from trust.
But what is trust? It represents like lofty, aspirational currency simply granted and taken away at will. Do you know how to get it, when it will be achieved, what damages it?
Luckily, instead of guessing or giving up, we can turn to the relationship science of Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Brené Brown.
Dr. John Gottman outlines trust in much of his work, namely The Science of Trust and more recently in the development of the Sound Relationship House which informs much of the Gottman Method of couples counseling utilized by thousands of counselors world wide. He describes trust as being earned in small, everyday moments called “sliding door” moments after the movie “Sliding Doors” with Gwyneth Paltrow. We are presented with small opportunities daily to show up for our partner and offer to see, value and hear them. To feel seen and heard is a primary need for all of us.
Dr. Gottman offers an example of a time when he caught his wife’s sliding door. He describes being hyper-focused to return to an exciting book he was reading, but as he was passing his wife in the bathroom, noticed her sad facial expression in the mirror. He chose to stop, check in with her, inquire about her sadness, and offer a loving gesture to brush her hair as he listened. In this moment, he was building trust. Powerful stuff. “Small Things Often” is the refrain to memorize; glamorous gifts and trips don’t mean anything if a vulnerable emotion is dismissed or turned against.
When we chose to turn toward our partner we are building trust. This is not always easy; it is a practice and an art, especially when we are turning toward our partner when they are in distress, or very simply: mad at us. A partner in distress needs us to hold space for them, tune in, allow their painful emotions to exist and communicate that they are not alone.
Dr. Brené Brown, takes “small things often” and springboards from this to her BRAVING acronym for building trust. The tools of BRAVING are operationalized and presented by Certified Daring Way Facilitators, trained in the experiential method developed from Dr. Brown’s research. BRAVING stands for:
Boundaries-you respect your partner’s boundaries, when unclear, you clarify and readjust. You are clear about your own boundaries
Reliability-you follow through on doing what you say you’ll do
Accountability-you own your mistakes, apologize, acknowledge hurt you’ve caused, you make amends
Vault-you don’t share information that isn’t yours to share
Integrity-you choose courage over comfort, putting values into action
Non-Judgement- the ability to ask for needs without judgement
Generosity-you attach the most generous interpretation possible to the words, intentions and actions of others
How is this all connected to a jar of marbles? In her book Daring Greatly, Dr. Brown outlines the Marble Jar concept. (The Marble Jar was a behavior reward system in her daughter’s elementary classroom; good behavior earned marbles, bad behavior lost marbles.) She emphasizes that while she encourages vulnerability, we must also practice healthy boundaries and identify who has earned the right to hear us at our most vulnerable. These folks are our Marble Jar Friends.
Combining both of these models, the secret is to build trust in small every day moments, exhibiting BRAVING characteristics. When your partner earns a marble, let them know. If you have a BRAVING request, gently express this need. Doing both earns your title of Marble Jar Companion and the benefits of a trusting relationship.
If you are looking for more information on building trust ala John Gottman or Brené Brown, I routinely offer workshops for both. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Daring Way workshop information is available on my website or through my email list. I am a Certified Gottman Therapist and a Certified Daring Way Facilitator Candidate.
I would love to know small daily ways your partner has earned marbles, please leave them in the comments to inspire others!
