Invisible Scars: Recognizing and Addressing the Effects of Trauma in Love

Trauma can significantly impact a relationship in various ways, as it not only affects the individuals involved but also the dynamics and communication within the partnership. However, before we dive into the impacts of trauma on relationships, it is important to first define trauma. 

Trauma’s effect on relationships

Often times, people will associate trauma with witnessing a death, experiencing a terrible car accident, or even having a near-death experience. While these events are definitely deserving of the label “traumatic,” they are not the only types of trauma an individual can experience. Trauma can come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes trauma is a result of a life-threatening event (such as witnessing a death or a car accident). Other times, trauma is a result of ongoing “little events” that aren’t necessarily life-threatening, but cause a significant amount of emotional distress. Relational trauma is a prime example of a traumatic event that is not necessarily life-threatening, but causes significant amounts of distress for the individual experiencing it. 

The Newport Institute defines relational trauma as “a specific type of early childhood trauma [that] occurs when a child’s sense of being safe and loved within the family is disrupted” (Big T vs. little T trauma in young adults: Is there a difference? 2022). Sometimes parents or caregivers may not be able to consistently meet the physical or emotional needs of their children. They may be preoccupied with meeting their own needs or the needs of a partner or sibling. Ultimately, the child’s needs will not be met, in turn causing distressing emotional wounds. 

These childhood wounds tend to persist into adulthood and play out repeatedly in adult relationships until the healing process allows for a transformative experience. Sometimes these childhood wounds will be triggered in a heated argument and will often be the cause of escalation in conflict. You and your partner will be talking about who’s supposed to clean the kitchen and before you know it, it’s escalated to one person feeling criticized and the other person feeling unheard. There’s probably a childhood wound that was triggered here for both partners and each had a different trauma response to that wound being poked at.

Now, let’s take a closer look at how relational trauma can affect a relationship:

• Communication breakdown: Trauma may make it challenging for individuals to communicate effectively about their emotions and experiences. Partners may struggle to understand each other's reactions, leading to miscommunication and conflicts.

• Trust issues and Triggers: Trauma can erode trust within a relationship. If one or both partners have experienced trauma, they may find it difficult to trust each other or to trust that the relationship can provide safety and support. Certain situations or behaviors in the relationship may inadvertently trigger memories of the traumatic event, leading to heightened emotional reactions and distress.

• Emotional distance: Coping with trauma can be emotionally draining, leading to emotional distance between partners. One or both individuals may withdraw as a way to protect themselves from potential triggers or emotional pain.

• Intimacy challenges: Trauma can affect an individual's capacity for emotional intimacy and vulnerability. This may lead to difficulties in connecting deeply and intimately with each other.

• Role changes: In some cases, trauma can cause role changes within the relationship. One partner may take on a caretaker role or become overly responsible for the well-being of the other partner, altering the balance of power and responsibilities. Trauma can sometimes even evolve to codependent dynamics within the relationship, where one partner becomes overly reliant on the other for emotional support or validation.

• Insecurity and reassurance seeking: Trauma can lead to feelings of insecurity and a need for constant reassurance from the partner. This seeking of reassurance may become overwhelming and exhausting for both partners.

The impact of trauma on a relationship is complex and can vary depending on the individuals involved and the nature of the trauma experienced. Seeking professional help from a therapist experienced in trauma and couples counseling can be beneficial in addressing these challenges, promoting healing, and fostering healthier relationship dynamics. With the right support and communication, couples can work through the effects of trauma together and grow stronger as a partnership. 

Stay tuned for the second installment of this blog series, where we will delve deeper into the practical strategies and essential insights for navigating the complexities of trauma's impact on a partnership. Discover how effective communication, empathy, and self-care play pivotal roles in creating a safe and supportive environment. We explore the importance of seeking professional help, both individually and as a couple, and share valuable coping techniques to foster resilience and growth. 

If you recognize that trauma may be having an impact on your relationship, please contact us today, we would love the opportunity to provide you the support you need! Claire Fallin, LPC specializes in working with individuals and couples affected by trauma.

Works Cited

Big T vs. little T trauma in young adults: Is there a difference?. Newport Institute. (2022, June 22). https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/big-t-little-t-trauma/#:~:text=In%20addition%2C%20acute%20psychological%20traumas,but%20do%20create%20significant%20distress. 

Myths That Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life, Part II

* Note: If you haven’t read part 1 of this article, check it out here! 

Hello, friends! Welcome to Part II of the blog series where we are finally putting those sex myths to rest. If you haven’t read Part I, I encourage you to do so before continuing! 

I’ve often heard from my couples that they believe “sex is simple” and there “should be an easy fix to our problems.” My short answer to that: Yes and No! 

My long answer: There are many complex facets to creating a passionate and fulfilling sex life. However, there are some “simple” and “easy” things you and your partner can do to enrich your sexual relationship with one another. 

A passionate and fulfilling sex life is cultivated over time through intentionality, consistency, and priority.

Join me as we continue to debunk some of the other sex myths I’ve heard in my office in my work with couples. 

Myth #3: If we don’t experience intercourse/penetrative sex, then we have not had sex. 

I often hear couples discuss feelings of frustration, disappointment, and rejection when talking about sex. Often, when I explore these feelings at a deeper level, I discover that one or both partners have idealized and prioritized intercourse/penetrative sex within their sexual experiences. This expectation often leads to one or both partners experiencing the aforementioned feelings when intercourse/penetrative sex does not happen.

At this point of the conversation, I often like to introduce the concept that intercourse/penetrative sex is only one of the many levels of sex and intimacy.

Barry McCarthy has introduced the concept of “The Five Gears of Sex and Touch,” which can be a helpful tool to conceptualize sex occurring in various stages or “gears” (McCarthy, 2015). The five gears of touch/sex can be a helpful tool to explore and understand each other’s preferences (McCarthy, 2012). It is also helpful to increase knowledge related to the value and importance of enjoying each gear/level. It can take the pressure off rushing straight through to intercourse/penetrative sex. In turn, it can allow you both to focus on enjoying each other and creating positive connection. 

Check out the graphic below to learn more about the Five Gears of Sex and Touch!

The 5 Gears of sex & touch, McCarthy 2015

*Note: There may be times you do not get to 5th gear. That’s ok! However, by engaging in the gear process, it allows both you and your partner to explore how desire is cultivated within yourselves (spontaneous, responsive, or contextual desire. These are covered in Part I of this blog series). 

I always like to compare the five gears of sex to driving a manual car with gears. Like driving a car, you cannot go from 1st gear to 5th gear – the car would get stuck! It’s the exact same with the gears of sex! Instead of focusing on getting to the 5th gear as quickly as possible, try fully enjoying the 1st gear. Slowly enjoy each gear as you move through each of them, letting the passion and desire simmer and build up.

Let’s move on to the fourth and final myth of this blog series. 

Myth #4: Sex and passion should just occur spontaneously and naturally. 

Couples often spend time in my office discussing the various barriers that are blocking their sexual relationship. It could be anything from opposite work schedules to increased anxiety to a new baby to the general busyness of life. Underlying these barriers is an expectation that sex should just happen spontaneously and naturally. This expectation totally negates the very real external factors and even factors within the relationship that are acting as a barrier as well. My answer to this? 

Sex does not just occur spontaneously or naturally. A good sex life requires couples to make sex and passion an intentional priority and to invest time and attention to their sex lives.

Couples who have rich and fulfilling sex lives make passion a priority. They are discussing their “passion goals” with one another (for example: planning a weekly date night with one another out of the house, scheduling a yearly trip with each other, or establishing a goal to kiss each other goodnight using tongue). Dr. Cheryl Fraser, a Gottman certified sex therapist, says that “It’s important to ask yourself: How hard am I trying to create a fantastic relationship? Because great love and passion are not an accident” (Frazer, 2021). Dr. Fraser also recommends making a “Passion Plan” which outlines the daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals related to sex and passion within the relationship (Fraser, 2021). It can be helpful to utilize a couples therapist to identify and explore goals that are important to you and your partner, formulating a Passion Plan. 

Let’s address the external factors that are influencing sexual desire along with the internal relationship barriers by discussing the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response (DCM). 

Dr. Emily Nagoski describes the DCM as “the central mechanism that governs sexual arousal, which controls how and when you respond to sexually relevant sights, sounds, sensations, and ideas” (Nagoski, 2015). In laymen’s terms, the DCM is made up of the things that turn you on (sexual accelerators) and the things that turn you off (sexual brakes). The goal is to activate the accelerators (turn-ons) and deactivate the brakes (turn-offs). Here are some examples of sexual accelerators and brakes:

Common Sexual Accelerators (turn-ons)

• A specific perfume your partner can wear.

• Specific types of touch (see the 5 Gears above to explore)

• Ambience – the right music, lighting, candles, lingerie, etc.

• Talking/connecting emotionally

• Certain sexual positions

Common Sexual Brakes (turn-offs)

• Fatigue/Stress

• Bad breath/hygiene

• Temperature too hot or cold in the room

• Disengagement/duty sex (body’s present, heart’s not present)

• Body image issues

* Note: Pain during sex can be a significant sexual brake. If you or your partner is experiencing pain during sex, it’s important to address this with a medical professional to explore possible medical causes.

* Another note: Trauma (sexual, physical, verbal, emotional) can also be a significant sexual brake and should be addressed with a mental health professional either through individual or couples therapy.

In conclusion, sex can be an enjoyable, when made an intentional priority. Exploring the various “gears” of sex, identifying and communicating about the various sexual accelerators and brakes can be helpful, and remaining connected with your partner can transform your sex life.

Ultimately, it would be valuable to spend time discussing with your partner any of these myths you might have fallen prey to and are willing to change. If you are interested in exploring these topics with me, I would be honored to join you on this journey! Contact me today to schedule a session! 

References

Fraser, C. (2021, October 16). The top myths about lust and love and how they can ruin your sex life (part two). The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 16, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-top-myths-about-lust-and-love-and-how-they-can-ruin-your-sex-life-part-two/ 

McCarthy, B. (2015). Sexual awareness: Your guide to healthy couple sexuality (5th ed.). Routledge. 

McCarthy, B. (2012, May 15). Shifting gears: The five dimensions of touch. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 16, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201205/shifting-gears 

Nagoski, E. (Ed.). (2021). Come As You Are. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.