Disclosing Sex and Intimacy Fears in Couples Therapy

“We haven’t had sex in forever- is there something wrong with us, are we doomed?!”

All too often, at the end of the first session- this statement will come out from one partner as a last minute cry for help. As a therapist, I wish I could tell my clients how many times I hear this- that they’re not alone!

Sex and intimacy in relationships can be hard to talk about with one another, much less a complete stranger, your new therapist. It is such a courageous and brave statement to make in any session, and I applaud those efforts always! Communication is key for a healthy sex life. It can feel so vulnerable to bring up, but is so important. It is also very natural to use our physical relationship with one another to be the barometer of if we’re “doing okay” or not. 

It can also feel really scary to know we have to “get back in a groove,” so to speak, if we bring this up in therapy! The pressure is real and intimidating. Acknowledging that there is an issue is usually the first step to any kind of healing. Yet, we also know that means we will have to do the uncomfortable and do the unthinkable- actually physically connect! It can look like a big mountain to start climbing right out the gate when usually, we aren’t talking or connecting much to begin with.

This is why I really love The Gottman Institute’s theory of Rituals of Connection. Rituals of daily connection is an aspect of developing a sense of shared meaning to your life together. A ritual can be as simple as a consistent way of greeting one another at the end of the day, saying goodnight or celebrating a success together. Most families are often quite good at prioritizing rituals for kids (think elaborate bedtime rituals..), but often overlook rituals for the adults in the house.

Developing meaningful shared rituals of connection is imperative for any couple to move from simply being roommates, to treasured romantic partners.

I will start to “prescribe” this to my new couples to get back into our bodies and back into our emotions of the relationship again, which builds trust and comfort to get to the good stuff later. It can feel way too scary and intimidating to start by immediately re-introducing the most vulnerable physical intimacy first, so it’s best to start slow and start small with goals we know we can achieve and are more comfortable!

We will start out by communicating each day in a semi-structured, consistent way. We have tons of tools and ideas of how to talk about our days, the external world around us and talk about our relationship together. You earn bonus points if you touch each other somehow during this talk! It can be hand holding, legs over lap, anything! Explore what types of non-sexual touch feels the best for your partner. It is very important to touch your partner without any expectation of sex. If touch only occurs right before sex, partners often report feeling like an object and not loved or valued.

After we feel comfortable talking openly, we’ll add on a 30 second hug daily. Then we will increase this to twice daily! It is so amazing what human touch will do for your mental and emotional well-being. It is a great way to connect with your partner. Research shows that we need 12 hugs daily to grow, 8 to maintain our emotional connection! THAT IS A LOT OF HUGGING!

Next, we will encourage adding in a 6-second kiss. Long-term/married relationships are NOTORIOUSLY bad for letting go of a good open-mouth kiss, as we use this as a direct line to more sexual intimacy. Taking sex off the table and knowing it will end with a long kiss can create passion and tension in the relationship! Just imagine having a steamy make out session prior to some harder conversations that we need to have (budget conversations, I’m looking at you!). This can increase our closeness, remind us of why we are invested in those hard conversations, and keep us focused on the positive during those hard talks!

Getting back to our partners in an open and vulnerable way is the goal here, and I am always honored to go on that journey with clients! Adding physical touch to our rituals of connection is a way to grow together, turn toward bids for emotional and physical connection, and can change the total trajectory of your relationship! If you can relate to these feelings of lack of intimacy, emotional or otherwise, in your relationship- I am happy to help guide you!

If you’d like to make an appointment, or have questions about setting up couples therapy, you can contact me here.