Myths That Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life, Part II

/

* Note: If you haven’t read part 1 of this article, check it out here! 

Hello, friends! Welcome to Part II of the blog series where we are finally putting those sex myths to rest. If you haven’t read Part I, I encourage you to do so before continuing! 

I’ve often heard from my couples that they believe “sex is simple” and there “should be an easy fix to our problems.” My short answer to that: Yes and No! 

My long answer: There are many complex facets to creating a passionate and fulfilling sex life. However, there are some “simple” and “easy” things you and your partner can do to enrich your sexual relationship with one another. 

A passionate and fulfilling sex life is cultivated over time through intentionality, consistency, and priority.

Join me as we continue to debunk some of the other sex myths I’ve heard in my office in my work with couples. 

Myth #3: If we don’t experience intercourse/penetrative sex, then we have not had sex. 

I often hear couples discuss feelings of frustration, disappointment, and rejection when talking about sex. Often, when I explore these feelings at a deeper level, I discover that one or both partners have idealized and prioritized intercourse/penetrative sex within their sexual experiences. This expectation often leads to one or both partners experiencing the aforementioned feelings when intercourse/penetrative sex does not happen.

At this point of the conversation, I often like to introduce the concept that intercourse/penetrative sex is only one of the many levels of sex and intimacy.

Barry McCarthy has introduced the concept of “The Five Gears of Sex and Touch,” which can be a helpful tool to conceptualize sex occurring in various stages or “gears” (McCarthy, 2015). The five gears of touch/sex can be a helpful tool to explore and understand each other’s preferences (McCarthy, 2012). It is also helpful to increase knowledge related to the value and importance of enjoying each gear/level. It can take the pressure off rushing straight through to intercourse/penetrative sex. In turn, it can allow you both to focus on enjoying each other and creating positive connection. 

Check out the graphic below to learn more about the Five Gears of Sex and Touch!

The 5 Gears of sex & touch, McCarthy 2015


*Note: There may be times you do not get to 5th gear. That’s ok! However, by engaging in the gear process, it allows both you and your partner to explore how desire is cultivated within yourselves (spontaneous, responsive, or contextual desire. These are covered in Part I of this blog series). 

I always like to compare the five gears of sex to driving a manual car with gears. Like driving a car, you cannot go from 1st gear to 5th gear – the car would get stuck! It’s the exact same with the gears of sex! Instead of focusing on getting to the 5th gear as quickly as possible, try fully enjoying the 1st gear. Slowly enjoy each gear as you move through each of them, letting the passion and desire simmer and build up.

Let’s move on to the fourth and final myth of this blog series. 

Myth #4: Sex and passion should just occur spontaneously and naturally. 

Couples often spend time in my office discussing the various barriers that are blocking their sexual relationship. It could be anything from opposite work schedules to increased anxiety to a new baby to the general busyness of life. Underlying these barriers is an expectation that sex should just happen spontaneously and naturally. This expectation totally negates the very real external factors and even factors within the relationship that are acting as a barrier as well. My answer to this? 

Sex does not just occur spontaneously or naturally. A good sex life requires couples to make sex and passion an intentional priority and to invest time and attention to their sex lives.

Couples who have rich and fulfilling sex lives make passion a priority. They are discussing their “passion goals” with one another (for example: planning a weekly date night with one another out of the house, scheduling a yearly trip with each other, or establishing a goal to kiss each other goodnight using tongue). Dr. Cheryl Fraser, a Gottman certified sex therapist, says that “It’s important to ask yourself: How hard am I trying to create a fantastic relationship? Because great love and passion are not an accident” (Frazer, 2021). Dr. Fraser also recommends making a “Passion Plan” which outlines the daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly goals related to sex and passion within the relationship (Fraser, 2021). It can be helpful to utilize a couples therapist to identify and explore goals that are important to you and your partner, formulating a Passion Plan. 

Let’s address the external factors that are influencing sexual desire along with the internal relationship barriers by discussing the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response (DCM). 

Dr. Emily Nagoski describes the DCM as “the central mechanism that governs sexual arousal, which controls how and when you respond to sexually relevant sights, sounds, sensations, and ideas” (Nagoski, 2015). In laymen’s terms, the DCM is made up of the things that turn you on (sexual accelerators) and the things that turn you off (sexual brakes). The goal is to activate the accelerators (turn-ons) and deactivate the brakes (turn-offs). Here are some examples of sexual accelerators and brakes:

Common Sexual Accelerators (turn-ons)

  • A specific perfume your partner can wear.

  • Specific types of touch (see the 5 Gears above to explore)

  • Ambience – the right music, lighting, candles, lingerie, etc.

  • Talking/connecting emotionally

  • Certain sexual positions

Common Sexual Brakes (turn-offs)

  • Fatigue/Stress

  • Bad breath/hygiene

  • Temperature too hot or cold in the room

  • Disengagement/duty sex (body’s present, heart’s not present)

  • Body image issues

* Note: Pain during sex can be a significant sexual brake. If you or your partner is experiencing pain during sex, it’s important to address this with a medical professional to explore possible medical causes.

* Another note: Trauma (sexual, physical, verbal, emotional) can also be a significant sexual brake and should be addressed with a mental health professional either through individual or couples therapy.

In conclusion, sex can be an enjoyable, when made an intentional priority. Exploring the various “gears” of sex, identifying and communicating about the various sexual accelerators and brakes can be helpful, and remaining connected with your partner can transform your sex life.

Ultimately, it would be valuable to spend time discussing with your partner any of these myths you might have fallen prey to and are willing to change. If you are interested in exploring these topics with me, I would be honored to join you on this journey! Contact me today to schedule a session! 


References

Fraser, C. (2021, October 16). The top myths about lust and love and how they can ruin your sex life (part two). The Gottman Institute. Retrieved February 16, 2022, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-top-myths-about-lust-and-love-and-how-they-can-ruin-your-sex-life-part-two/ 

McCarthy, B. (2015). Sexual awareness: Your guide to healthy couple sexuality (5th ed.). Routledge. 

McCarthy, B. (2012, May 15). Shifting gears: The five dimensions of touch. Psychology Today. Retrieved February 16, 2022, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/whats-your-sexual-style/201205/shifting-gears 

Nagoski, E. (Ed.). (2021). Come As You Are. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.