Top 5 ways to find a great marriage counselor

It can be so hard to find a good couples therapist. The confidential nature of the work and social stigma means that most consumers don’t spread the word. Marriage counselors are also ethically bound to not ask for online reviews to protect our client’s confidentiality, and therapists in general tend not to be business oriented. This often leaves the consumer in the dark.

I’d like to offer some suggestions. Here are a list of the 5 top ways to find a great marriage counselor:

1. License

Marriage counselors must be licensed by the state in which they are providing services. This license could be an LMFT(Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist), LPC(Licensed Professional Counselor), LCSW(Licensed Clinical Social Worker) or Licensed Psychologist. There are lots of well meaning folks that like to help couples and have good intentions, but if there is no license, there is questionable training and no oversight. To obtain a license, one must have at least a Masters degree in a related field and then complete 3000 hours of an internship and hundreds of hours of supervision, as well as completing continuing education each year. This is imperative to properly train a therapist. I once heard a friend compare a therapist with no license to her unlicensed hairdresser. The problem with providing couples counseling unlicensed is that the stakes are so much higher than a bad haircut. Families and marriages are on the line, mental health needs are being addressed, and an untrained therapist can do so much damage. Look for a relevant license.

2. Education and training

The beauty of a licensed therapist is that the licensing board has covered this step for you, vetting the therapists training and credentials. Additionally, a marriage/relationship counselor should have training to work specifically with couples. A therapist trained only to see individuals will not be competent to work with couples; they need additional supervision and relationship specific courses and experience. I also prefer to refer couples to counselors that primarily see couples. Most often when a client is relaying why couples therapy didn’t work well in the past, it was provided by a therapist who wasn’t trained to work with couples and was doing the same type of therapy they provide to individuals.

3. Couples specific certifications

In addition to an appropriate counseling degree, a marriage counselor may also have specialized certifications. I am a Certified Gottman Therapist, for example. This required completing 3 levels of intensive training(that took a few years) as well as working with a consultant who reviewed video recordings of my therapy sessions to determine that I was meeting the standards and technique required to be a CGT. There is also advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (of which I have completed an externship), as well as through a few other models. A counselor who has completed these trainings is deemed a specialist.

4. Niche specific

It is also helpful to look for a marriage counselor that may have a specific niche regarding your identified area of need. Infidelity, substance abuse, porn addiction, ADHD, or religion may be examples of specific niche areas. It is not possible for a therapist to be well informed and great at everything.

If you are looking for a faith based counselor, make sure you still cover items 1-3. Just because the counselor is of the same faith, doesn’t necessarily mean they are trained to work well with couples. And another important point is that a great counselor will respect, honor and integrate your faith, even if they do not share the same religion.

5. Rapport

Research consistently reports that the effectiveness of any given therapy is mainly due to the rapport with the counselor. That means you want to find someone with whom you have a good rapport and with whom you feel comfortable. This may take a few counselors to find, but when you make a good connection, the time investment is worth it!

Bonus tip: look for therapists that are grounded in a local practice. Online big box platforms often offer couples counseling, but their roster of therapists are often under trained for this specialty and the therapist turnover is very high. This means you will not get high quality or consistent care, even though it may seem cheaper at the beginning. Many of these platforms have also been fined for confidentiality violations and are generally tech based and not healthcare based. A local practice will also provide online care, but from consistent, high quality clinicians. Your relationship deserves the best!

5 reasons to feel safe in couples therapy, even though it may sound scary

• We are trained to keep conflict on track, productive, and will protect your relationship through the entire process. When choosing a couples counselor, make sure to pick someone who primarily works with couples and has specialized training and is licensed by your state to practice counseling. Counselors at Align Couples Therapy are trained in Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, two of the most effective couples counseling methods.

• We will not let you fight the entire session. We will non judgmentally intervene with science based tools and guidance. We will work to protect the healing atmosphere of the therapeutic space.

• We focus on strengths. We assess not only for what you would like to improve about your relationship, but also for your strengths. Each couple has special strengths about their relationship that we can use as a foundation for the work. Many couples find that they are healthier than they thought, especially with new tools in hand.

• We don’t take sides or tell you to separate. We aren’t here to decide who is right or wrong, but to help your relationship thrive. We also don’t “change” people, but focus on the space between two persons in relationship.

• We listen to what you need and adjust the process to meet your goals. A good therapist is always open to feedback and will be flexible.

• We complete a full assessment before jumping in. Our assessment process is detailed and takes a few sessions to complete. This way, we don’t jump in before we truly get to know you and what your identified goals are.

• Good couples therapy is based on science. Counseling is not about therapist’s relationship experience or unfounded ideas. Everything we do at Align Couples Therapy is based in science.

• Couples Therapy is not associated with divorce. Arriving in couples counseling does not mean that divorce is next, or that you are doomed. It’s usually the opposite. It’s the healthy couples that tend to show up for therapy. But remember, prevention is much easier than intervention!

Hopefully these ideas will allay some of your fears! Happy Halloween!

Krista J Miller, Marriage & Family Therapist is now Align Couples Therapy LLC!

I’m rebranding and expanding!  And I’m hiring!

I will be providing the same quality services to couples, individuals, adolescents and families, but will be hiring qualified therapists to offer more hours and offer more flexibility in scheduling.  I will soon be offering bilingual services as well as evening and expanded weekend hours.  Our therapists will all have quality, specialized science based training in working with couples and receive collaborate treatment team support to best meet the needs of each client.

We provide relationship science with heart. Optimize yourself and your connections in a boutique atmosphere.

Align Couples Therapy seeks to optimize each client within themselves and in their social contexts.  Aligning within and between.  This includes not only relationship counseling offerings, but also mental health services, self improvement, personal growth and educational workshops and retreats.  Heart and mind, aligned within self and between others.

If you are looking to work in a collaborative, creative and growth minded group practice please see our hiring page. We offer a turn key group practice experience, with a generous CEU stipend and potential for bonuses.

Stay tuned for new offerings! Sign up for the email list to be notified of upcoming events!

5 reasons to sign up for a marriage workshop

1. Invest in your marriage, the easy and fun way. Don’t wait until there is a crisis! Make time for your spouse and have some fun in the process. You wouldn’t invest in landscaping without watering it, our relationships need the same upkeep. You probably spent more for your wedding cake! This is an investment in your future or your relationship and your family.

2. Get more done in one day than in two months of weekly counseling. We cover so much! But in a very digestible way and lasting way.

3. Focused, guided learning over a 6-8 hour time frame will have more impact than distracted learning at home. How many times have you bought a relationship book and only one of you read it! Sounds like an argument I’ve heard before….

4. Your spouse will feel loved and valued. Attending a workshop together is a very loving way to give your spouse the message that they are a priority. Many couples feel better after only just signing up!

5. Your kids see that your relationship is important and deserves attention, teaching them to do the same in the future. They may roll their eyes at your affection, but they need to see it.

and a bonus:  Free donuts!

Sign up today for my online marriage workshop June 6th, 2020. I'd love to have you join us!

Scripts for connection: bad habits and remedies

We are wired to be our best when we feel connection to others in a secure, loving relationship.  We long to feel understood and accepted at home, in our marriage and with our parents and children.

The people that mean the most to us have the tendency to shut us down in a heartbeat with word choice.  It’s important to understand how you are coming across when using the following sentiments.  We’ve all said them; But with some time and attention you can break these bad habits.

"Why..."

Starting a phrase with "Why" typically conveys judgement.  We want our loved ones to think the best of us, not the worst.

Said:  Why are you angry?   Heard:  You shouldn’t be and it’s wrong/crazy that you feel that way.

Instead say:  You seem angry, what’s up?  Heard:  You matter to me and I want to be there for you.

Said:  Why did you do that?   Heard:  You are in trouble.

Instead say:  Help me understand what happened.  Heard:  I will be patient with you.

Said:  Why can’t you just _______?  Heard:  You are impossible and I am unhappy with you.

Instead say:  I need you to ________ and it would mean ________.  Heard:  I need you, you are important to me.

Trying to fix feelings

Remember:  Feelings aren’t for fixin'.  Feeling heard and understood is the best thing that we can receive from our loved ones each day.  Validating a feeling is actually soothing, not dysregulating.  No one likes to feel crazy for what they are feeling.

Said:  You shouldn’t feel that way.  Meant: To fix.  Heard:  Your feeling is wrong/crazy and I don’t care about it, or you for having it.

Instead Say:  I get how you are feeling __________.  That makes sense.  Tell me more about it.

Said:  You are being too sensitive.  Meant:  To fix or deflect responsibility.  Heard:  It’s not safe to come to me and share your feelings.

Instead say:  It sounds like I really hurt you, help me understand what happened.

Said:  If you would just _________you wouldn’t feel so ____________.  Meant:  To fix.  Heard:  You are handling this wrong, you are wasting my time.  Result:  Disconnection and shame.

Instead say:  I’m here if you want to talk about this.  

Stay tuned for more scripts to help out with avoiding relationship scientist John Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of The Apocolypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

What are some other phrases you’d like scripts for?  Bad habit phrases you need help with?  Please share in the comments, I'd love to address these in a follow up post!

How to get your resistant teen to attend therapy-and like it

Encouraging a teenager to attend counseling can be difficult.   Here are the top ten ways I’ve found to engage adolescents with the therapy process. The goal is to create a life-long ability to utilize counseling as a healthy resource.

1    Ask for your teen's help to choose their counselor.  

Look at online directories, check out photos of different therapists and pictures of their offices.  Read their personal statements about how they work.  Let your teen tell you who they might be comfortable with and who just looks weird to them.

2    Don’t ambush.  

I’m sure you’ve considered not telling them about the appointment until it’s too late for them to back out.  But please resist this idea.  They will feel tricked and won’t open up or trust the counselor.

3    Normalize counseling.  

Counseling is not somewhere “crazy people go.”  Explain that therapy is just a resource to work through ideas and obtain tools to lighten their load.  You aren’t trying to change them.  You just want to help make things easier for them. This idea helps to counter the argument of “But I’m fine,” or “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

4    Take some accountability in the change process.

If your child feels scapegoated, they will resist. For example, a parent can say:  “We haven’t been getting along lately.  I want to consult the counselor on things that I can can do better to help us get along more smoothly.  It will be good for me too.”

5    Don’t use counseling as a threat or a punishment.  

A counselor is not a probation officer/judge/principal. The therapist works for your teen, not the other way around.  This sets counseling up to fail.

6    Use the first session as an “interview”.  

Do they like the counselor?  Give them a feeling of control in the decision and listen or make changes if they don’t feel comfortable. Counselors are all very different and personality styles have to click.

7    What’s in it for them?  

Most teens think that being dragged to therapy is just for their parents benefit.  When you are discussing problematic behavior ask questions to lead them to understand how things have been a problem for them, not just you. For example: “I’ve been hearing from your teachers that you are zoning out and not turning in classwork. It must be frustrating for you to have your teachers sending us complaints. I bet you’d also like us not bugging you/grounding you about school stuff.”  From your teen’s perspective, they probably want their parents and teachers off their backs.  Counseling can help them with that.  Do they want more freedom or less drama? Would it be nice for them to feel better?  Find a reason for them to be motivated to come to session.

8    Offer to let them out of class for the appointment.  

A counselor can write a school excuse note.  Bribery never hurts.

9    Be open to change in yourself and try new things.  

If your teen sees you making an effort, they will buy into the process.  Recognize changes that your child is making in therapy and encourage their hard work.  If they slip into old behavior, encourage and remind them of positive changes they have made.  It’s normal to have little setbacks.

10    What’s said in therapy stays in therapy.  

Never get mad at your child for anything they discuss in session. (this usually happens out of therapist earshot).  That will shut them down and they will be done.  Also, keep counseling private.  Don’t tell outsiders or other relatives that they are going to therapy, let your child bring it up.  Most teens are very wary of the social stigma of going to counseling.

And Finally:

Take this time you’ve set aside with them for some extra attention.  Go out for ice cream or something special after session.  No matter how resistant your teen may seem, I have found that nearly 99.9% of them are really yearning for your time and attention.

Good luck!  Please let me know in the comments what has worked for you to engage your kids in this process, I'd love to hear more ideas!