Navigating Pregnancy and Infant Loss

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Discovering you are expecting a child can be very exciting and usually begins the process of creating a vision for your child and family. Your life’s trajectory immediately shifts. Maybe you immediately shared the news with family and friends, or perhaps you waited until the second trimester to share your exciting news.

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But then the unthinkable happens, and you find out that you have lost your baby. You become filled with grief, uncertainty, confusion, and may not know how to respond. If you had not shared your pregnancy news yet, you might feel a sense of isolation because none of your family or friends know what has happened. If you and your partner shared the news, unhelpful comments, advice or questions may ensue. It’s common for family and friends to offer up words meant to console, but these words can fall flat and may actually intensify grief or isolation.

Adding to the difficulty of mourning the loss of a pregnancy or child is when partners grieve differently, which may intensify what already feels unbearable. Often one partner may feel the loss more intensely while the other is more pragmatic, looking at the loss as “this sometimes happens” or saying, “everything happens for a reason.” While these statements may help one partner cope with their feelings or be factually correct since 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, these statements may feel dismissive and result in feeling isolated, unseen, unheard, and unloved. Some couples even report feeling that they are blamed for the loss of the pregnancy or baby if they perceive their partner wasn’t excited about the pregnancy or if there were genetic factors that contributed to the loss. These situations are heartbreaking but do not need to result in permanent damage to the relationships. Here are some points to consider after a pregnancy loss:

  • Set boundaries to protect your emotional and physical wellbeing. This may mean asking people to respect your privacy or asking them to help with everyday tasks.

  • Plan ahead for times that may be especially difficult such as the anniversary of the loss or the missed due date, or holidays like Mother’s/Father’s Day.

  • Engage in self-care at a higher level, taking extra rest, spending time in preferred activities, working on mindfulness or spiritual practices, and slowly re-engaging in physical activity as directed by a medical professional.

  • Allow yourself to grieve and understand that everyone processes loss differently, although many people find comfort in attending support groups.

  • Reach out to a mental health professional or, if you prefer, a clergy person trained in grief and loss.

Unfortunately, for many years infant and pregnancy loss has been kept in the shadows, which has discouraged women from seeking support and sharing their stories. This may be even more true for their partner, who may feel they have less of a right to grieve.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. As a society, we are beginning to understand that these losses are profound, create grief like any other loss, and should be responded to accordingly. Below are some suggestions for offering support to loved ones who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or child:

  • Ask if they would like to talk about their loss, and then listen without offering advice unless asked.

  • Offer to help with everyday tasks like grocery shopping, meal prep, or cleaning. It’s most helpful to jump in with something helpful rather than ask “what can I do?” to someone who can’t organize their needs during grief.

  • Avoid rushing them to “move on” before they are ready. Hold space for their pace.

  • Check-in with both partners; many partners who did not carry the pregnancy report feeling their grief is ignored, or they think they should put it aside to support the partner who carried the pregnancy.

  • Grief requires that it be seen, heard and validated for it to be processed. Simply being a compassionate presence is priceless.

If you feel that you or your partner needs help working through the loss of a pregnancy or child, I would be honored to be part of your healing journey. You can contact me here. Some additional resources that may be helpful can be found at https://www.postpartum.net and http://www.seleni.org