A Compassionate Conversation With Shame
/Let’s talk shame.
That hot feeling in your cheeks, the pit in your stomach, the urge to pull away and hide. When we are in shame, we don’t function well. Likewise, our loved ones aren’t their best selves either. So in addition to discussing shame, let’s also talk about what to do about it.
A compassionate conversation with shame: Align Couples Therapy
Shame is a universal human experience. We have all experienced it and all struggle with not showing up at our best when it’s in play. Shame, or an unworthy sense of self, can be very debilitating as well as disconnecting. So it would not be strange if you tend to deny it, offload it, stuff it under the bed. Did you answer my lead statement with “nah, I’m good?”……
It’s impossible to talk about shame and not mention Dr. Brené Brown, shame researcher, best selling author and speaker. Her shame research and shame reliance theory are outlined in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t).
"If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment.” says Dr. Brené Brown.
So, we all have it, now what? In addition to the discussing it’s painful feelings, let’s outline practices to fight the nasty growth in the petri dish. Shame identification, self compassion, empathy, emotion awareness, validation, and development of a shame resilient support system are all parts of the process. These tools can assist you to develop an intentional, healthy response to shame when it shows up and help to protect your sense of worthiness, your mental health and your relationships.
Imagine a time when you were little, a time when someone expressed disdain when you were putting yourself out into the world, something that may have triggered shame. Maybe you were sharing artwork you were proud of, trying a sport that was new to you, or simply sitting alone in the lunchroom or walking up to a huddle of kids on the playground. As the poison dart is shot your way, think for a few minutes on each of these questions:
What are your initial thoughts? Are they judgmental or kind? Or both?
Whose voice is speaking these thoughts?
What are the emotions that are showing up for you?
What do the emotions feel like in your body?
If you sense shame, Where in your body do you feel it?
How would you describe this sensation?
How did you move through this feeling at the time?
What were your initial behaviors?
What would your adult self tell this child about this experience today?
If you had been told this at the time, how do you think things would have turned out differently?
When in shame, we painfully feel unworthy, powerless and isolated. We believe we are alone, and deserve to be. We feel we do not deserve love and belonging, and are the only ones to suffer this fate. It is physically and emotionally excruciating. Shame can be differentiated from guilt in that shame describes a fixed sense of self and guilt describes temporary behavior. It is also quite different from embarrassment, which is much more fleeting and is pain we don’t feel we deserve.
Research has found that shame is not an effective behavior modification tool (ie parenting, teaching), but we use it often with others and within ourselves. Shame operates best in the dark, covertly guiding our behavior and reactions with our loved ones. Because shame is self focused as opposed to guilt’s ability to be other focused, we pull away from others, alienate ourselves, and turn inward. This reinforces our isolation.
Shame is well known to be at the heart of addiction, anxiety and depressive disorders. While we may not be able to eliminate a universal human condition, we can learn to improve our reactions to it, move with it and become more resilient and suffer less from the ill effects.
The process of a shame resilience practice requires that we identify shame, our vulnerability to it and it’s triggers, talk about it with a trusted connection, validate our feelings, and develop self kindness. This helps to move you from a state of unworthiness, isolation, and disconnection to a state of worthiness, empathic connection and agency. Awareness is a good start, but reaching out to a trusted connection will be imperative. I’ll outline utilizing connection for this process in my next post.
Here are some steps to start your healing process:
Give yourself credit for tackling the theme of shame. It’s not for the faint of heart. Allow yourself to feel proud of this self examination and give yourself permission to lean in. This is vulnerability and courage in action.
2. Practice healthy self care. The examination of shame can stir things up and you need to care for yourself as you do this work.
3. Make a plan to identify who you can discuss this process with. With whom do you feel safe, validated and trusting?
Therapy can be an excellent resource for this process, please reach out if you’d like to explore this topic and move forward into the new year with a new sense of your relationship to shame.
If you’d like to schedule with myself or one of the other clinicians at Align, contact us here today, we’d love to get the conversation started.
